I AM in a crowd, booing, hissing and chanting for one of my fellow “peasants” to be strung up after hearing of his copious crimes.
Judging by his bewildered expression, that is the first he has heard of them too.
Welcome to the marvellously malevolent court house of Alton Towers’ new Dungeon attraction, where the swift justice “spewed forth” by the bellowing Bishop of Stafford is literally a joke.
The Staffordshire theme park has delved into the area’s dark history for a wickedly mischievous trip back through centuries in this live-action attraction.
And they’ve thought of every rotten trick in the book to get you fully immersed in the medieval mayhem – right down to the stenches of festering flesh and stale ale that waft around. There’s even a Black River ride part-way through if you’re not creeped out enough.
Central to the attraction’s success are the actors who ramp up the fun – and fear factor – and had us sniggering and squirming throughout the 45-minute experience.
And boy do they look the part, with grizzled features thanks to West End theatre specialists and costumes more distressed than any one of Dick Turpin’s victims.
And talking of the famous highwayman, he too makes an appearance in a sketch featuring the delightfully disconcerting Welsh Harp Inn landlady.
A terrifying torturer had us chuckling – and my husband Pete wincing – at his revelations, while a plague doctor’s stomach-churning run-down of the Black Death, featuring one of the disease’s victims, couldn’t help but hold our attention.
As if I hadn’t screamed, laughed and cowered enough, the eerie antics in the kitchen of the final setting almost sent me as potty-mouthed as Gordon Ramsay himself.
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“Proper scary” was how Hollyoaks actor Will Mellor recently described it, when he and I’m A Celeb’s Jorgie Porter and Corrie’s Lucy Fallon and Ryan Clayton were among the first to brave the attraction.
And I’m inclined to agree, I thought, as I and my family hunkered down for the night at the Alton Towers Hotel – right next door to the new accommodation opening soon, wooden Stargazing Pods.
And after a fun-packed day, not even the bellowings of a biased bishop could keep me from the land of nod.
